hack comedy
by Of the Young And Foolish
Summary: Just little bits of stuff I thought up that I found funny in my spare time. Ch. 2 includes: Legendary weapons are a good thing to have, right? Well, not when Balmung is hosting the event...
1. Siblings are dangerous creatures

Disclaimer: I don't own .hack, and I never will. Therefore, this was written for entertainment purposes only, and I will not try to make any kind of profit from this work.  
  
Author note: These are just little scenes, mostly unrelated, that have come to me over time. Some will be chapters, others will be little funny scenes in more of a script format. As usual, constructive criticism is appreciated, as well as ideas.  
  
Author key:  
  
Scene: Who, What, and Where of the scene

Character name: Character speaking

'Character name': Player speaking (player using a different avatar)

Well, here goes...

Big Brother is always watching you...  
  
Scene: Kite is training Shugo in how to be a true hero. Orca and Rena watch from the sidelines while waiting for the two to finish.  
  
Rena: Is it me, or does Kite seem to be a bit harsher than usual?

Orca: Harsher?

Rena: Yeah. Usually Kite just makes Shugo do some exercises, and if Shugo fails just says something like "Nice try", or "Better luck next time", unless Shugo does something extremely wrong. Today though, the exercises seem a bit rough on him. (Points to Shugo, who is racing Kite while chained to a boulder, while Kite, who's chained to a bigger boulder, is running circles around him while yelling at him like a drill sergeant.)

Orca: Oh, that... You see, Yasuhiko and I thought that Shugo wasn't making progress fast enough, so we traded characters for today.

Rena: Wait. You traded characters with Orca.

Orca: Right.

Rena: Which means that you're Kite.

'Kite': Right. (Uses Orca's character to give a Harrison Ford style smile, complete with shining teeth)

Rena: (Thinks)I'm speaking to my idol, the legendary hero Kite, and he just smiled at me! Eeek! (Rena swoons, and then faints)

'Kite': Uh, are you okay? C'mon, stop kidding around already. You're making me nervous... (Suddenly, Shugo looks over, sees Rena unconscious in-front of Orca, who's bending down over her, and goes crazy)

Shugo: Orca! What have you done to my sister! Get your mitts of my sis, you pervert! (Starts charging at Orca, who looks up in alarm at the sight of Shugo charging at him despite still being chained to a boulder)

'Kite': (In the middle of getting a health drink out for Rena) Uh oh... (Soon, Kite, in Orca's avatar, is running across the field as Shugo, still trapped to a boulder, chases after him)

'Orca': (Yelling) That's right, Shugo! You got the hang of pulling that boulder! Try putting your shoulders in it for more speed!

'Kite': (Also shouting) Don't give him more ideas! Help me already!

'Orca': Oh alright... Wait, what's Shugo doing? What the... (Starts yelling again) No! Shugo, don't! Don't you dare data drain him! (Bright light envelops the scene)

'Orca': Uh, what happened? Hey, Kite, Shugo! Are you two o... k...? (Spots the two of them) What the... Kite! What have you done to my character!

'Kite':(thinking) What** _I_** did? You think I like gaining a couple thousand pounds in a flash?

Shugo: Uh, that was Kite playing Orca? Uh... Sorry? (Starts laughing nervously. Laying behind him, where Orca's character was just a minute ago, is an adult killer whale, also called an orca)  
  
Three Hours Later...

Scene: In the back alley where Kite, back in his own avatar, waits for someone.  
  
Kite: Now where is he? He said he'd be here by now...

Balmung:(Comes running up to Kite) I'm here. What did you call me for? Is something wrong?

Kite: Wrong? Eh... well, kind of. You see... Orca kind of got... changed.

Balmung: Orca was changed? Kite, you're not making any sense here. What happened?

????:Snort!

Balmung:(Turns around) What the... A monster in a root town?(Draws sword)

Kite: Balmung! Wait! That's Orca! (Indeed, Orca, still in whale form, is floating in the lagoon beside the two)

Balmung: Orca! My friend, what happened to you?

Orca: ...

Kite: It's a long story, but I got Helba to agree to fix Orca. It'll take a couple days, though, so until then he's stuck like this. I just thought you should know. Well, I gtg, so by. (Logs out)

(Silence overcomes them for a few minutes, before Balmung speaks up)

Balmung: Let me guess, Rena's big brother Shugo did this?

Orca: (Nods)

Balmung: I thought so. He did the same thing to Komiyan III awhile ago. (Silence for a few more minutes) Hey... I've got a killer idea. Care for a bit of payback?

Orca: (Nods again, but has an evil gleam in his eye)  
  
The End?  
  
Blackrose's mistake  
  
Scene: Kite, Sanjuro, and Blackrose are in a low level field fighting a swarm of enemies on a small hill, Kazu slightly behind them.

Blackrose:(Swings her heavy blade weapon at a goblin, slicing the goblin in two but also barely missing Sanjuro's cheek) Sorry!

Sanjuro: Hey! Watch where you swing that thing you kid! (To himself) I can't see why Kite keeps her around. She's as dangerous to as she is to the enemies!

Blackrose: What was that!?!?

Sanjuro: Nothing! (The fighting continues, and Blackrose tries to hit multiple enemies at once. Shifting her grip on her sword, she swings it like a tennis racket, killing two more goblins and harming a third)

Blackrose: Hah! Take that! (Blackrose continues to use her new strategy and swings again, missing the intended goblin and smacking Kite's head of his soldiers, causing his body to fall to the ground as his head is sent down the hill)  
  
Blackrose: Kite! I'm so sorry! Are you okay? Speak to me!

Sanjuro: (Watching Blackrose as Kite's head still bounces down the hill) How in the world do you expect him to be fine and able to speak to you? You just sent his head flying! (As soon as Sanjuro finishes saying this, Kite's body starts to stir, freaking Blackrose out)

Blackrose: Ahhh! It's alive! (Reaches for her sword to finish the body off)

(Before Blackrose can get her sword, Kite's head pops up from his shirt, perfectly fine, if not a bit pale and gasping for air)

Blackrose: Kite! You're alright!

Sanjuro: Whoa... that was freaky...

Kite:(Rubbing his head, as if to make sure it's still on. Seeing as it is, he relaxes) Man, that was close! (Looks back at Kazu, who's just finished the last monster off) Thanks for the tip, Kazu! You saved my life!

Kazu:(Smiling sheepishly while rubbing the back of his head) Hey, it was nothing. She's done it to me in the past. She can be such a klutz at times, can't she?

Kite: Yeah, you're right.

Blackrose:(In the background, with large vein sticking out of her forehead) Oh, I'm a klutz, am I? Well, lets see how long it takes me to cut off your heads again!

Kazu and Kite:gulp (Both proceed to flee as Blackrose chases them while wildly swinging her sword)  
  
Sanjuro: Once again, I'm surrounded by insanity. (Gates out)

Kazu and Kite: No! Don't leave us hear alone! (Screen fades away, with Kazu and Kite's screams of terror being overrun by Blackrose's maniacal laughter)  
  
The End...

Author: Well, that's about it for today. And to end it, one final blooper, courtesy of my friend. This is your punishment, Dean!Natsume's offer  
  
Scene: Where Natsume joins your quest. Note, these aren't the exact lines.  
  
(Kite gives Natsume Spiral Edge)  
  
Natsume: Wow! I can really have these? I don't have anything I can give you in return, though, except maybe myself...

Kite: Okay! When?  
  
Natsume: (Blushes) What! That's not your line! Wait... your not Kite! You're too short!

Rena:(Off-screen) Shugo! Get back here! (Chase scene occurs)

Director:(Watching chase scene) Wait, if that's Shugo there, where's Kite?

Scene: In a dark broom closet somewhere

Kite: Mfff! (Kite is bound and gagged, struggling for freedom. Suddenly, the door opens...)

???: Oh, Kite! What are you doing here all tied up? Wait, I've got an idea...

To be continued...  
  
Author: What will become of Kite? Who is this mystery character? Is it: A. Noble Grunty, B. Nuke, or C. an even more evil character? Will this mysterious stranger force Kite through an unspeakable (err, unreadable) evil? Or will this mystery character help Kite? It's up for you to find out by reading the next update of .hack Comedy!  
  
As usual, please read and review. The humble author will accept corrections, places to find the entire game script (including parody mode, please), and a few ideas/suggestions. Not all of them, though...


	2. Legendary weapons are good, right?

Disclaimer: I still don't own .hack. If I did, I could be making these scenes as part of the games and series, not just writing my own humor.  
  
Author note: Since I've gotten more scenes in my head for this than my other stories, this seems to be going faster. The challenge for my other project is making characters meet without realizing it. Thus, any suggestions or advice for the sequels/ spin offs for my "Wandering" story would be greatly appreciated. Also, anyone who thinks up some scene but doesn't want to post it themselves can send it to me through email. I'll email you back and tell you what I think and if I'll post it, though I'll give you full credit. This helps me get more ideas and encourages others to think of more ideas. Now for the reviews!  
  
Echo NightWhisperer: Congratulations, you're getting both your wishes granted! :)  
  
Luna20: Thanks for the tip, but I don't have anyone who could be a beta reader. Also, about seeing other people's mistakes rather than your own? Read your post. You'll see what I mean. ;) And about choice C? I put in the evilest thing I could think of...  
  
Metal Sora: Glad you liked it. Yes, I'd think having someone charging at you with a boulder chained to him or her would be scary. Also, the closing blooper will be continued. I might make it a tradition, I liked it so much. Hmm...  
  
And for everyone else: Thanks.  
  
Warning: Not much content wise to worry about, but it deals with .hack LotTB. So, some things may or may not seem offensive. I don't know right now.  
  
And now let's begin!

** Legendary Weapons**

It was an average day for Shugo and Rena, the heirs to the legendary dot hackers. Taking the day off from their jobs as (novice) heroes, the two twins were currently hanging out with their friends Ouka and Mireille, each of whom was unique in their own way. Ouka was the shapely werewolf who was devoted to leveling up as much as possible. Despite her macho attitude, she had a kind heart, and was always having her character admired no matter what form she was in. Mireille, on the other hand, was the self-proclaimed "Rare-item hunter of love and bravery", who used her wavemaster character to find as many unique items, or people, she could. At least, these were Shugo's basic reflections on his friends as he watched the two huddle over a map of sorts and talk to themselves. His deep thoughts were cut short, however, when his sister Rena, who had won both herself and him mini versions of the .hacker avatars, returned from her private errand out of breath, showing that she had run all the way back to the hideout.  
  
"Guys, guess what? There's supposed to be a surprise event being announced in a few minutes. It could be really big!"  
  
That was all the bored players needed to get them started, and soon all of them were at Mac Anu's main bridge, where small crowds of other players were also gathered at the spot where most events were announced. The wait only lasted a minute or so, when a large email was put on a large screen above everyone so that all could read it.

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201x/ x / x 10:15 a.m. 

Subject: Legendary Item Event Sender: Balmung

To: All  
  
In commemoration of the great players who have spent so much effort into "The World", the programmers and system administration has decided to honor the many players who have helped other players in "The World", or otherwise made a noticeable impact for the users, by creating new items with them in mind. Those who solve the puzzles at Delta: Dealing Their Legends will be rewarded with these new rare items, and the quicker one solves the puzzles, the better the prizes. The grand prize will be a copy of the legendary .hackers own weapons, but only one party will get them!  
  
And remember, slow and steady wins the race!  
  
Lord Balmung System Administrator

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As soon as their eyes had read through the message once, and memorized the specific key words, parties started rushing to the chaos gate already. Shugo and his friends were no different, though, as Mireille was dragging Shugo and Rena through the other players on her rush to the chaos gate, somehow carrying a surprised Ouka on her shoulders at the same time. Entering the key words at the gate, Shugo and his friends vanished from Mac Anu to their new adventure.

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**Meanwhile...  
**  
In a dark, mysterious room, a brooding figure, the powerful and wise overseer of his realm, watched as his unknowing subjects rushed right into his grasp. The were pitifully unaware of the fact that all was proceeding as he had planned. Soon, his plan would be completed, and the sweet rush of knowing his ingenious plan had succeeded would be his. But, it would of no surprise to Him when his plans came to fruition. For it was to be expected, as it was His plan. And so, the powerful figure, the wisest and strongest in all of "The World", waited. It would all come as he had predicted. How could he be wrong? He was never wrong, for he was-  
  
Suddenly, the lights were flicked on, along with a exasperated voice. "Balmung-san, would you cut it with the evil genius role playing already? This is your event, and I'm not going to moderate it for you. Besides, you have a visitor."  
  
Sighing, Balmung stood up from the chair he had previously been in. "Come now, Reki, you need to take things a bit more easily. Have fun at times, alright? Besides, who's hear to see me?"  
  
Stepping aside and out of the way, Reki was soon replaced by a yellow blademaster, who was obviously trying to withhold a chuckle at seeing the famed Balmung of the Azure Sky in such a position. Trying to maintain his dignity, which, judging by his visitor, was about to be forever destroyed if he wasn't careful, Balmung cleared his throat.  
  
"Lady Rachel, it's been awhile. What can I do for you?", he asked, offering his hand.  
  
Calming down, Balmung's fellow dot hacker gave Balmung's hand a firm shake before speaking. Nodding in Reki's direction, she spoke with her signature accent. "Is he safe?"  
  
Catching her meaning, Balmung nodded. "Yes. He's aware of what's happened for the most part, so he can be trusted."  
  
Nodding back at him, Rachel spoke again. "Well, now that that's out of the way, let's get down to business, shall we?" Not waiting for a response, she continued. "I'm here only 'cause I drew the short straw, so to speak." Seeing Balmung's pained expression, she nodded. "Yeah, you heard me. We want to know what you're planning, Balmung. We trust you, but you're up to something with this event. Something you aren't telling us. There's a mixed opinion about this among us, starting when you sent us all a copy of our personal items. Some of us are pleasantly surprised, and like our items. Moonstone and Gardenia love their new items, the Moon Gloves and Floral Glaive, for example. Some of us like the thought, but don't like the items named for us. Piros is so peeved, unsurprisingly, that his Green Fool's potion set changes the avatar color of the user. And _some_ of us don't like that you didn't tell us what our items were going to be named or do!" At this last part, Rachel was starting to raise her voice.  
  
At this, Balmung gave her a confused look, and decided to start calmly defending himself. "Lady Rachel, I personally did not decide what each item would do or be named. I just gave outlines of each person to the programmers, along with a view of everyone's avatars, and they did the rest. What seems to be the problem?"  
  
Instead of calming down at his explanation, Rachel seemed to get even angrier. "Then maybe you should have picked better programmers, Balmung. I do not like my item being called "Mercenary Bathing Suit", and it being a thong bikini! Where did you get that idea?" At this point, Rachel actually was yelling, her head turning red. Whether from the yelling or blushing, neither administrator dared guess.  
  
Balmung looked so shocked at this that Rachel seemed to deflate while Reki seemed to fall into convulsive laughter. Hearing something along the lines of "So _that_ was his big surprise?" from Reki's direction, Balmung scrambled to save himself.  
  
"Lady Rachel, I deeply apologize for that. Like I said, I did not prepare all of the items. In fact, the only items I worked with were Kite and Blackrose's items. All the rest were left to my staff. I will go speak to them after this event is over, and try to make it up to you. I'll do almost _anything_! Would that work?"  
  
Hearing the sincerity behind his words, along with venting her own anger, Rachel nodded. "_Anything_, huh? I'll email what you can do to make it up for me later. If you don't do it, I'll tell everyone what you were doing as I came in. And, I'll also..." At this, she walked up close to Balmung, and started leaning towards him. Ignoring his blushing at the sudden proximity, or perhaps it was her plan all along, she leaned against him, and whispered something in his ear. Ignoring how the Descendent of Fiana went from light red to a sickeningly pale white in moments, she turned around and started walking back to the door. Before leaving, she tossed a wave over her shoulder and gave Balmung a final word.  
  
"Well, that's about it. Everyone wants in on whatever you're planning, and they want it soon. Also, remember what I said. Do as I ask, and I won't do that last part. Later."  
  
Gating out, the room was left completely quite. Breaking the silence was Balmung, who fell into his administrator chair with a sigh.  
  
"That girl's been hanging out with Mia for far too long..."  
  
"What was that, Balmung-san?" Coming back to life, the administrator's assistant tried to review what had happened. First an old acquaintance of Lord Balmung arrived, then had an equal leveled discussion about how Balmung's old friends were taking this surprise event, and then her handling of the legendary player like he was putty... Who was that women? And that last part...  
  
"Balmung-san?"  
  
"What is it, Reki?" came the exhausted reply.  
  
"What did she say she'd do to you?"  
  
This time, the answer held less of a sense of exhaustion and more of the knight's usual seriousness. "As you love being a man, Reki, you don't want to know."

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When Shugo gated into the event area, he immediately noticed something out of the ordinary.  
  
"Hey, what's with all the dungeons?"  
  
Rena, who had just gated in and hadn't looked around yet glanced at him. "What do you mean, dungeons? All field only have one dungeon..." She trailed off as she looked around not even noticing Mireille and Ouka warping in as she turned around. All around her were dozens upon dozens of dungeons. There were ice wall dungeons, dragon skeleton dungeons, mountain dungeons, living body dungeons, castle dungeons, and shrine dungeons. All the kinds of dungeons that were possible were present.  
  
Mireille, though, took one glance around the field setting and figured the puzzle out. "I see... so that's it! Guys, this is simple!" Seeing she had everyone's attention, she explained. "These dungeons are illusions! All we have to do is use a Fairy's Orb," at this point she used the said item, "and voila! We find the dungeon!"  
  
Indeed, the map of the area, which had previously been covered with dungeon symbols, was cleared. However, there was one problem that Rena was quick to point out.  
  
"But Mireille, there are still over half a dozen dungeons! We can't try them all, can we?"  
  
Mireille tried to figure it out, but before she could solve the problem Shugo took things into his own hands. Running to one of the nearby dungeons, which was a possibility, he ran inside and disappeared. Suddenly, though, he reappeared back with his party, none the worse for his trip. Observing this, Mireille mused on.  
  
"So that's what happens if we guess the wrong one. Still, we can't waste time like by trying out them all. There has to be a clue somewhere, right?"  
  
Suddenly, Ouka perked up from where she had been sitting trying to solve the problem. "Guys, it's simple! What kind of dungeon does this field have?" Seeing a look of confusion on her friends' faces, the werewolf explained. "We're in Delta server, right? And this is a level field. So, what kind of dungeons does that usually give us?"  
  
Seeing where her friend was getting at, Rena perked up. "I get it! Shrine dungeons, right?"  
  
Nodding, Ouka grinned. "Right! Now we just have to find a shrine dungeon that's on the map!"  
  
Overjoyed that they figured out the first puzzle, the crew quickly found the dungeon. When they entered it, they found themselves in the dungeon rather than the field, and continued on. Upon entering the first main room, they were greeted by a shopkeeper npc. Confirming their arrival, the sprite began its predetermined litany.  
  
"Welcome, and congratulations on passing the first trial of the Legendary Item Event. Once you solve the remaining challenges, you will be awarded the prized items you came for. First, choose your path. Will you take the trial of combat, the trial of wit, or the trial patience? Decide amongst yourselves how you wish to do the trials, and tell me your decision. Good luck."  
  
Upon trying to question the npc for further details, and failing, the crew gathered.  
  
"Well, I should take the trial of wit. No offence, you guys, but I'd be the best at that."  
  
"Fine, Mireille, but I'm taking the trial of combat."  
  
"In that case, Ouka, Shugo and I will take the last trial."  
  
As soon as they had decided the dividing of trials, the four disappeared without warning. Screaming in surprise, Mireille found herself in a room with a giant jigsaw puzzle. Figuring that she simply needed to solve the problem, Mireille started to move the pieces. Ouka, when she had disappeared, landed in a room with several monsters. Cracking her knuckles with a grin on her face, Ouka began to run toward the nearest enemy. Shugo and Rena, on the other hand...  
  
"What the heck is that?"  
  
"I honestly have no idea."  
  
Finding themselves in a lengthy hallway, the siblings had found themselves with a strange sight. Ahead of them, taking up the entire corridor, was a translucent blob. Resembling a huge pile of Jell-O, only lacking color, was the largest monster the two had seen. Well, they assumed it was a monster, as it was moving slowly towards them.  
  
Moving back at the same speed, the brother and sister team were trying to decide what to do.  
  
"Think we could kill it?"  
  
"Maybe, but it would take to long. Think you can freeze it with ice magic? I'm all out."  
  
"Same here. Try using magic anyway, Rena."  
  
Nodding, the young heavy blade raised her hand and gave out a yell. "Gan zot!"  
  
A small pillar of stone quickly raised out of the ground and hit the blob. The monster quivered for a moment, and slowly stopped moving, a small bit of its body falling away. Resuming movement again, nothing was left to show anything had changed.  
  
Retreating again, the two were once again without any other alternative. "Rena, get back! I have to use the bracelet if we're going to get out of hear anytime soon!"  
  
Ignoring his sister's demands that he stop, Shugo concentrated on the bracelet on his right arm. And then there was a flash of light.

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Shortly after solving her puzzle, Mireille found herself alone in a room with a single door. The door had three markings above it, and when she had arrived, one had been lit. A few minutes later, Ouka had appeared, causing another of the markings to be lit. Waiting for Shugo and Rena, the two started talking. After discussing what rare items they might be getting once this was over, Shugo and Rena appeared. Running over to greet her friends, Mireille was greeted to an unusual sight.  
  
Splattered over an irate Rena and a sheepish Shugo was bits and pieces of an unrecognizable substance. Seeing her question before she even asked it, Shugo scratched the back of his head and explained.  
  
"We were stuck with a huge living blob in our way, and I tried to use the bracelet on it. Instead of weakening, however, it exploded."  
  
Nodding, and deciding not to do anything that might upset Rena until the girl was clean again, Mireille simply said one thing as the door, with all the markings lit, opened.  
  
"I call dibs on the treasure!"  
  
Bringing laughter to everyone, they all raced down into the Gott statue chamber, and stopped when they saw what had changed. Instead of the usual small chamber, with the statue only a few meters from the door, they were confronted with a huge hallway, while the statue and its prize was on the other end of the room. Glancing at each other and shrugging, the four friends proceeded to run to the other end of the room. After only a few seconds, when they were about halfway there, though, the crew found themselves right back where they started. Ouka was the first to speak.  
  
"What the heck is wrong with this room? We completed all the challenges, didn't we?"  
  
Nodding, Mireille agreed. "Well, while Shugo and Rena might have solved their problems in an unorthodox manner, but the final door did open. Maybe this is the final test? Maybe we have to get to the other end by the end of a time limit, or we start back over again?"  
  
"That might be it, Mireille. Shugo, hold my sword for a minute." Handing her sword to her brother, Rena cast a spell.  
  
"Ap do!" With the speed-enhancing charm in place, the heavy blade proceeded to run to the other end of the hall. She had almost reached the treasure chest, however, when she suddenly warped back to the beginning of the hall, not looking too happy.  
  
"Shugo, hold these too." And with that command, Rena took out all of her items and proceeded to put them in Shugo's arms. "Now that I'm not carrying anything, I bet I can go faster, right?"  
  
Seeing the simple logic in that, Mireille and Ouka followed Rena's lead, and placed their equipment and items in the unfortunate twin blade's arms. Having Rena also cast ap do on them; the three girls proceeded to try to get to the chest, doing everything from just running to climbing on the walls to get past the timer, to even having Ouka try to throw Mireille down the hall. No matter what they tried, nothing seemed to help.  
  
"Uh, girls? I could use some help over here... Girls?" Help, however, was just what Shugo needed. Having been assigned to carry everybody's items, the twin blade was virtually buried under a mountain of items. Equipment, potions, weapons, and more, the entire pile was blocking out his sight and causing him to stumble. Every time he tumbled, he moved towards the goal, but his lack of sight prevented him from seeing this.  
  
His friends stopped their tries as the watched the strange sight. Holding a pile larger than him, and not being able to see a thing, the boy wobbled continuously. Every few moments, the pile would start to lean as if to fall, but he would move forward in order to keep the pile balanced. The process was slow, but the junior hero was steadily making his was towards the goal. As he passed everyone else, unknowingly going further than everyone else on his struggle to not drop anything, Mireille slapped her head as she figured it out.  
  
"Of course! It was in the email! 'And remember, slow and steady wins the race!' That must have been the clue! Come on! If we walk slowly, we won't be sent back to the start!"  
  
Soon, the girls had caught up with Shugo, and upon getting their items back, proceeded to congratulate the confused hero. Being given a pat on the back, a hug, and a kiss on the cheek for his 'brilliance' (though who gave what is up to the reader), the hero of the day was quite pleased as he reached the treasure chest. Soon, he would be receiving legendary items made for players who changed "The World". With them, he would surly become a true hero. Slowly, he opened the lid...  
  
"Congratulations!" a voice cried from the chest as it was opened, sending the new dot hacker on his rear, "You have won the grand prize of the Legendary Item Event! Congratulations, and enjoy the one of a kind "Kite's Blades" and "Blackrose's Sword."  
  
The said weapons appearing on Shugo's lap, he quickly grabbed his new weapons and gave the sword to Rena. Warping out of the dungeon, soon the crew were admiring the new weapons in the familiar confines of Mireille's hideout. Practicing with his new weapons, Shugo frowned. These weren't all that great; his previous blades had been better! Still, there must be something good about them, if the .hackers of legend used them, right? Deciding to take a closer look at his blades, Shugo stared at what he saw. Dropping the blades in surprise, he let out a yell as he realized who was behind the deception.  
  
"Balmung! These blades stink, dammit!"  
  
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Currently carrying a tray filled with iced drinks, Balmung sneezed, but made sure not to drop a single beverage. Handing a drink to one of the many people in the party, the famed blade master headed over to the organizer of this beach party, and made a stiff bow. "Will this be all, Mistress Rachel?"  
  
Lying in a beach chair, simply enjoying the view, the said women nodded, and shooed him off with a flick of her wrist. It was paradise, the mercenary decided, to have a legendary hero serve her every fancy. Still, she couldn't help but wonder. How would he deal with the 'winners' of his recent event, when they found he had given them useless prizes? One was left to wonder how Kite and Blackrose had succeeded in their quest without changing weapons once, after all...

**End**

Author: Well, that's another chapter done with. For those of you who didn't understand the final joke, it's because you haven't played the .hack games. During the game movie sequences, even to the very end, every one is only shown with their beginning weapons. What that means, then, is that by the end of the game, when most people are around level 90, Kite is still using a level one weapon. For those of you who are curious about the stats of Kite's blades, here they are. 

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Equipment: Amateur Blades

Skills: Saber Dance  
  
Stats: Physical attack: 2, Physical accuracy:1, Magical attack: 1, Magical accuracy: 1  
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As you can see, the weapons stink. Thus, the joke on the winner.  
  
Rachel is a cannon character as well. In the games, she is a mercenary who joins with Kite on her quest to make money. She also makes a cameo in the second .hack manga on page 95. She's standing next to the long arm, Nuke Usagimaru, another .hacker and possibly her partner. She is strong willed, and I decided that since she isn't featured in very many fanfics, she would be the one to confront Balmung about his event on behalf of the .hackers. She's just the kind of person I needed to throw Balmung off balance, and the only other person I had in mind to do so would be Helba, but couldn't make that work.  
  
Well, that's about it. Thanks for reading, and due to some pressure from e- mailers and friends, I've decided to do a closing scene based on the last skit from the first chapter. Enjoy!

**Search for the Missing Kite**

Scene: All of the .hack game cast is assembled. The Balmung, wearing a Sherlock Holmes outfit, is pacing back and forth while smoking his pipe.  
  
Balmung: I'm sure you all are aware of the situation, am I right?  
  
Cast: Right  
  
Director: Three hours ago, Kite was scheduled to do a reenactment of the scene in which Natsume joins. However, he never made it. In an attempt to play a prank, and possible do something else (at this, Natsume starts to fiercely blush), Shugo bound and gagged Kite, whom he allegedly threw into a broom closet. After the prank was discovered, the new bearer of the bracelet brought us to where he said he had stored Kite, but he wasn't found. Now, after interrogating Shugo (a picture of Shugo being chained to wall and being mercilessly tickled appears), we have been led to conclude that someone has kidnapped the victim. Any questions so far? (Gardenia raises her arm) Yes, Gardenia?  
  
Gardenia: We said we knew the situation. So why the f did you explain it again?  
  
Balmung: It's for the readers. Many of them don't pay attention to everything, so they might not know what's happened.  
  
Cast: Ah. We get it now.  
  
Balmung: Right. So, we started looking for suspects. We knew it had to be someone from the .hack games, as only they were in the building. We also could take out all the guys from the listing, as we were all in the poker, er, men's social room. Helba was also in there, for reasons to remain secrete, so the only possible suspects are all the other girls.  
  
Girls: What!  
  
Balmung: Well, yeah. It's obvious that all the women in the game, with the possible exception of Mia (what gender is Mia?), due to being with Elk all the time (Elk starts blushing at the looks he's getting). All the other girls seem to develop a certain, ahem, _fascination_ about Kite. So, who's going to fess up first? (All the girls stare at him, with an audible popping of fists and sounds of weapons being drawn) In that case, come in here, Reki!  
  
Reki: (Dressed in a Watson suit, he drags in a huge pile of bags) Here they are, Balmung-san. (Looks at the cast) One Sherlock Holmes crack and I'll make you regret it!  
  
Balmung: Thank you, Reki. Now people, to gather evidence, we went inside all of the suspects' rooms. There, we found things that could be considered evidence and gathered them up. You know, diaries, photos, that kind of thing. Before we go through them, however, we thought we'd give the final culprit the chance to fess up. So, anyone? (No one speaks, though all the girls have their weapons out and are advancing towards Balmung, who doesn't seem to sense the danger) Well, let's start with Natsume...  
  
Director: Everyone, come quick! The people who are supposed to use the place next found Kite! (At this, everyone stops what they're doing and rushes outside)  
  
Orca: Oh man, who would do such a thing to him?  
  
Blackrose: You got that right! Whoever did this is going to pay!  
  
Natsume: I'm with you on that!  
  
Gardenia: Truly, no one should do that to anyone.  
  
(Up in the air, still bound and gagged, is Kite. Strapped to a glider, which is flying in the air, the red twin blade is struggling to get free. Painted on the glider are the words "He's mine!", and the boy's tunic is shredded, leaving parts of him exposed. Upon bringing him down with some magic, everyone gathers around him. On closer examination, lipstick is found over him. On the ground, the boy becomes silent, and doesn't acknowledge anything or anyone. Sanjuro makes his way up to the front, and upon looking at his friend, turns around to the others.)  
  
Sanjuro: Everyone, I know what this is. We need to stay calm, and be careful. It's the work of a Mary Sue. (Murmurs go up through the crowd. One of the worst beings in existence here?) Take things easy on Kite for a while, and don't mention either M-a-r-y S-u-e-s, or make jokes on his name. After some counseling he should be okay, but be careful until then. (Murmurs of agreement filter up from the crowd, and they start to disperse, Orca and Balmung helping Kite along. The .hacksign cast, the ones scheduled for use of the studio next come in, and try to find out what happened.)  
  
Bear: (To Nuke Usagimaru) What happened to that kid? An admirer?  
  
Nuke: Don't kid around about it, man. He's the victim of a Sue. (Kite, despite barely hearing it, starts shaking)  
  
Bear: Poor kid... and at such a young age...  
  
(Other members of the .hacksign offer their sympathies, until Sora comes bounding up towards Kite, despite multiple warnings.)  
  
Sora: (Squatting so that he can look up into Kite's face) So you're the victim of the Sue, eh? I don't see why a Sue would want you, but at least she's not after me! Well, Kite the flying kite...(At this point, Kite stops shaking at the mention of a Sue and pulls out his Sin of Hades)  
  
Kite: Evil Twin! (Unleashing a terrible onslaught of blows, Kite proceeds to slaughter Sora as the other twin blade tries to run away)  
  
Sora: Help! He's mad! Get him off of me! (Proceeds to run away, Kite right behind him and still attacking)  
  
Sanjuro: I said not to make fun of his name...  
  
End of part 2  
  
Author final notes: Well, that turned out different from what I had originally planned... At first, the legendary weapon story was a paragraph long script, but when I tried to lengthen it the result was enormous. The ending script was also supposed to be short, like it's starter, but it became a little mini series in my mind.  
  
Anyways, please read and review, and tell me what I can do better. 


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